


My Inner Sporking

by TheLadyMienshao



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms, The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
Genre: Bad Writing, Gen, MST3k-Style Riffing, Mary Sue, Smut, Swearing, first attempt at mst-ing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-05-23 05:13:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14927790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyMienshao/pseuds/TheLadyMienshao
Summary: In which yours truly and her tumblr friend a-perturbed-misanthrope try to snark their way through the most infamous Zelda fanfiction in the fandom.(Originally posted to my personal tumblr)





	1. Prologue/Filibuster

**Author's Note:**

> I hope sporkings are okay to do here on AO3... I'm re-posting the chapters my friend and I have done on my personal tumblr to here and actually going by the chapters (We originally just stopped whenever we felt like it and ignored the titles, if that makes any sense...) This is the first time either of us attempted any sort of riffing on a fanfiction, so be nice!
> 
>  
> 
> **Originally posted on October 14, 2015**
> 
> **Oh Jesus what have I gotten myself into? I'm about to attempt a MST-ing on the _My Immortal_ of the Legend of Zelda saga: My Inner Life. May God have mercy on our souls...**
> 
> **I don't own this fanfiction (not that I would want to in the first place), nor the Legend of Zelda series. Special thank you to vomitous-leviathan** (A/N: a-perturbed-misanthrope's original alias) **for help writing this!**

Author's notes **(in which said author indulges in one of the biggest filibusters in fanfiction history)** : Hello. Thank you for choosing to read my story. As you might know I have become a major Zelda fan in the last year. **(Why else would you be writing a story for this particular series?)** Ever since playing OoT I have grown a fond interest in Link. **(Like most other fangirls)** I started to notice that after I got really into it, I found that I have a strange gift. A gift to Lucid Dream. I started having dreams about Hyrule, and about Link. **(Maybe that was because you were playing it a little too much? Just a thought)** In a Lucid Dream, you can control your dreams. **(You didn't have to give us the definition!)** The dreams became very real, kinda like a second life, and almost every night I would have another. **(*plays _Inception_ theme*)** Starting from where the last left off. Even to this day I still have them. I find that they help me get through life. **("They helped me realize that my parents needed to die.")** I know this may sound queer, but for me the dreams sure help me out. **(You just told us that! And why do you need help from them?)** I have shared this story with many other people and so far all has liked it. **(I think they were just being polite sweetheart. That or just stupid.)** Now as you read this it is told from my perspective or first person view. **(I know what first person view is already! You're using it!)**

You will find that it is very detailed since I remember it all very clearly to this day. **(Well you need plenty of detail to keep the readers interested - Oh wait I forgot what happens later on... *facepalms*)** The story takes place after OoT. Nothing after that ever happens. No Majora's Mask. No LttP, or even Oracle of Ages and Seasons. **(Well at least you won't ruin multiple Zelda games at once...)** And there is no love relation between Link and Zelda, Link and Ruto **(Actually Link was a bit too young to realize what Ruto was talking about at the time)** , Link and Malon or Link and Saria. Because of my possibly delusional feelings about Link, **(Well that doesn't sound good)** the person he gets involved with in this story is myself or is actually my persona. **(I believe the proper term is "Mary Sue")** A persona is for those of you who need to know, **(Oh God not another explanation)** a representation of one's personality, or in dictionary terms is (Persona) n. in biology, same as person. **(*jaw drops* You-you actually quoted an actual definition?!?)** So for all you future readers, **(I think they've clicked elsewhere by now)** this story is based on Jenna, a char **(Huh?)** that is a representation of my personality. **(Did that really need to be in there? Do you really think the readers are that naive?)**

But if you think this might be too queer **(I think stupid would've been a better word)** then you shouldn't read this. **(Okay then! *walks towards door*)** THIS IS NOT THE TYPE OF STORY FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DISLIKE, OR CANNOT HANDLE SUCH MATERIAL AS THE CONTEXT OF THIS STORY! **(WHY ARE WE SHOUTING ALL OF A SUDDEN?)** But if you seriously believe you can handle the content of this story, then read on. **(The buildup is sooooo amazing guys...)** If your squeamish about sex, then you should not read this, since this story is a REAL LEMON **(Damn right it is)** and there is a lot of that, heavily detailed. **(And really bad probably)** (Between Link and I that is) **(As opposed to you or Link and Ganondorf?)** Especially during the bonding ceremony. **(Wait what?)** There is also some blood content and strong adult language. So if that's too much then you should turn back now. **(Well now that the warnings are done, let's-)**

Now I have not finished it as of yet. **(SON OF A BITCH! She's still going?!?)** I have to catch up, since the last dream I had was just after Link and I had the blessing ceremony for our twins. (Our 3rd and 4th kinds) **(Uh, spoiler alert much?)** Right now there is about 100-150 pgs worth. **(Your "author's notes" have taken up two pages in Microsoft Word right now)** I'm expecting it to reach at least 300-350 probably even more. **(Gotta squeeze out every last tiny detail from your fantasy for us to suffer through. I mean enjoy.)** I will try to up date as often as possible. I hope that some of you like this. I do not mind sharing it. **(Consequently, people like us don't mind taking potshots at it!)** But please understand that this is very PRECIOUS to me, as well as Link. **(Wait he's actually there with you? Okay... *waves to Link* O_o)** So like I said, if the content of this story sounds, too queer to you, TURN BACK NOW! **(It's like she already knows this is going to be garbage and is trying to discourage us from reading)** But to all who wish to continue, happy reading. Thanks,

~*~Link's Queen~*~

Rated R for strong adult language, sex, violence and bloody content. **(Couldn't you have just put that in the summary bar?)** AGAIN AS A FINAL WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS HEAVY SEX, ABULT LANGUAGE AND TALKS ABOUT MY PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH LINK. **(OMG, you've already told us that! Shut up and let us get this story over with!)** THIS STORY IS BASED ON DREAMS, DREAMS ABOUT MY LIFE WITH HIM. IF YOU FIND THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY TO BE OFFENSIVE, QUEER, OR PLAIN OUT OFF THE WALL, THEN DO NOT READ ON!!!!!!! **(Is she just trying to get a record of some sorts for wordiest fanfiction ever?)** I HAVE GOTTEN WAY TO MANY FLAMES ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY WHEN I HAVE PLACED SEVERAL WARNINGS!!!! **(No, those are all saying that they don't like your story!)** I WILL NOT ACCECPT ANY MORE FLAMES, RAMBLINGS, CUSSING OR EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT ABOUT THE CHAR JENNA, OR REVIEWS ABOUT THE CONTENT OF THIS STORY, EXCESSIVE LASHING OUT, VICIOUS ATTACKS AGAINST MY PERSONALITY, OR NON-MATURE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!!! **(For all your pleas of maturity, this all caps rant is really immature)** ANY REVIEWS SUBMITTED THAT DO NOT FOLLOW THE ABOUVE GUIDELINES, WILL BE DELETED IMMEDIATELY! THESE WARNINGS ARE NOT THERE TO LOOK PRETTY, THE AUTHORS PLACE WARNINGS FOR A REASON!!! IT IS TO TELL YOU WHAT THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS SO THAT IF THE READER FINDS THE CONTENT OF THE STORY OFFENSIVE, THEY WILL NOT READ ON!!!! **(Not that it's stopped some out of curiosity. And thanks for telling us something that we'll figure out on our own!)** MANY AUTHORS HAVE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT UNWANTED, EXCESSIVE, VIOLENT AND JUST PLAIN NASTY REVIEWS THAT HAVE BEEN SUBMITTED BY READERS ABOUT THEIR STORIES, CAUSING FANFICTION TO GRANT AUTHORS THE ABILITY TO DELETE UNWANTED REVIEWS AND BLACK CERTAIN READERS!! **(Are you just referring to your particular situation?)** I WILL SAY THIS FOR MYSELF AND FOR ALL AUTHORS ON FANFICTION. NO AUTHOR TWISTS YOUR ARM OR HOLDS YOU AT GUN POINT **(I'd be really worried if authors were actually doing that...)** OR FORCES YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM TO READ THEIR STORIES!! ALL READERS HAVE THE RIGHT NOT TO READ A CERTAIN STORY!!! **(And judging from your little filibuster here, they're probably exercising that right as we speak)** IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO READ THE WARNINGS AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF IF THE CONTENT OF THE STORY IS OFFENSIVE TO YOU, AND TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO READ OR NOT!!! AND IT ALSO IS THE READERS RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY ON HOW THEY HANDLE THEMSELVES WHEN LEAVING A REVIEW FOR AN AUTHOR!! **(Does anyone else feel like they're being lectured here?)** LEAVING A REVIEW THAT IS VIOLENT IN NATURE ONLY MAKES YOU THE READER LOOK BAD, AND IS VERY IMMATURE. **(Much like your words right now)** IF ALL OF US HERE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ADULTS, WELL THEN, LETS CONDUCTIVE OURSELVES LIKE ADULTS AND NOT LIKE LITTLE KIDS! **(Getting a little hypocritical here...)** I ONLY EXPECT THE VIOLENT LASHING OUT AND VICIOUS ATTACKS TO COME FROM TEENAGERS, NOT ADULTS! **(You'd be surprised how immature some adults can be these days)** IF YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE ADULTS THAT ARE CONDUCTING YOURSELVES IN THE MANORS I DECRIBED ABOVE, YOU PEOPLE REALLY ARE SCARING ME! **(Wait until she discovers the magical place known as 4chan...)**

IT'S A DAMN SHAME TO KNOW THAT THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT HANDLE THEMSELVES IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM! **(Well some parents are too lazy to do that. Also are you done ranting yet?)** ALSO LEAVING MALICIOUS REVIEWS IS ALSO A SIGN OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM. IF ALL YOU PEOPLE KNOW HOW DO IS ATTACK SOMEONE VICIOUSLY, IT'S A SIGN OF SELFISHNESS AND NO RESPECT FOR ONES-SELF! **(I feel like I'm reading someone's angry blog post about how we should all get along online.)** I SUGGEST TO ALL READERS WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING A MALICIOUS REVIEW FOR ME, PLEASE GET A HOBBY AND LEARN TO CONTROL YOUR ANGER, BECAUSE YOUR ONLY HURTING YOURSELF, NOT ME! **(You could use some anger management classes yourself)** ALSO LEAVING A NASTY REVIEW ONLY MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID, NOT ME! **(Too late for you)** I FIND IT VERY RIDICULOUS THAT I HAD TO LEAVE A WARNING THIS LONG, **(I know right? This is insane!)** BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE VERY IMMATURE READERS THAT HAVE SUBMITTED NASTY CHILDISH REVIEWS! AGAIN, PLEASE READ THE ABOVE CONTEXT BEFORE READING ON!!!! **(Kinda hard to miss that)** Furthermore, **(You STILL have more to say?!?)** I have realized that this story needs some heavy grammar corrections, **(Certainly a lot better than another infamous fic *cough*MyImmortal*cough*)** and that the plot needs some work **(Understatement of the century!)** Also under the advisement of my friend who had just recently completed two literature classes, has stated the reasons why people had classified Jenna as a "Mary Sue" char and labeled her as "flat". **(Bless this friend for realizing how bad this is!)** She has come to the conclusion that most people do not know or understand Jenna's history, so she has advised me **to burn this and throw it n the ocean** to create an origin story to explain about her history before she met Link. That way she will become more rounded and give people a reason to care about her. **(No doubt it's going to be impossibly awesome and give us more reason to loathe Jenna even more)** It was never my intentions to create Jenna as a "Mary Sue" char or to make her conceited, because I'm not really like that. Jenna is a persona char, one that resembles **(AHH! Not the definitions!)** my personality while this story is being told from her perspective. This story is not something that I pulled out of my head like my drawings. It came from my dreams. **(Which were consequently pulled straight out of her ass)** So I understand that revising this story is going to be hard work and will take time. **(The first sensible thing to come out of this rant!)** Since this story is being told in the exact, or close to exact order it happened in the dreams, changing how fast Link and Jenna marry isn't going to be easy. **(Could you make it easier for us to not spoil vital plot points?)** Even changing how fast they have sex and revising the Lemon parts also won't be so easy to do. **(Knowing that the vast majority of smutty fanfic writers are virgins, yeah it's going to be a bit of an uphill battle)** But I'm currently in the process of revising this story, also I have received a college grammar book from my friend and I will be investing in a Beta-Reader. **(I hope you're paying them in booze to drown out the memory of editing this)** I'm also considering taking to literature classes a JC to help boost my writing skills. **(Well good for you)** But now I say this, if you people, the reviewers really have the intentions to help me, them please do it positively and like a mature adult. I'm telling you that it is a proven fact that negative motivation NEVER motivates someone to change. **(Where did you get that blurb? Your rear?)** It never has and it never will. I'm pretty sure your parents have taught you that people only respond to positive motivation and not negative. **(except for you know, how people CAN respond to negative motivation!)**

I'm not close-minded **(you sure are a hell of a motor mouth though)** I NEVER have been. I have always been open to other people's thoughts and opinions, its when its done in an inappropriate manner that I turn my nose at it and look away. People have to understand that when you're an adult, you need to conduct yourself like one and learn how to address other people like one. **(Then how about you stop being patronizing with us)** You cannot just act childish when you come across something that you DO NOT approve of, you're only making yourself look bad and that can affect you later on in life. **(*starts playing DS*)** Acting childish and ranting and raving is something that I'd expect a little kid would do when he doesn't get his way **(*cough*retailcustomers*cough*)** When an adult acts childish over stupid things, that's looked down upon, and considered to be unhealthy. **(*still playing DS* Come on Paras you can do it...)** I have seen far too many reviews left for me where the reviewers are just ranting and raving like little kids over this story because they do not like it. It is only making them look stupid and is very unhealthy. **(*still playing DS* Hmm, should I delete Leech Life for Spore?)** I fear that these people have some serious emotional problems if they get that upset over a story **(*cough*Evangelionfans*cough*)** People in control of their emotions and have also obtained some sort of commons sense, NEVER let little things get them all riled up. **(*looks up from game* You still talking? *sighs and goes back to game*)** It is very sad when one that is supposed to be an adult, cannot handle them like one. I was NEVER angry with the reviewers not liking the story, it's how they handled themselves when leaving me the reviews. Getting riled up, ranting and raving, screaming and spitting nails over this story is what has caused me to get upset, not the fact that they didn't like it. **(Weren't _you_ doing just that a couple pages ago?)**

Also as a side note, I NEVER physically hurt ANYONE with this story. **(Unless you consider their sides sore from laughing at this as an injury that is)** I got one reviewer that said. "Oh God please stop writing, your hurting everyone." Now I want to know where I physically touched that person. **(This poor author doesn't understand figurative language)** I want to know how I'm twisting anyone's arms to read this. I have never done anything of the sort in any way, shape or for and I DO NOT appreciate being accused of that **(*facepalms* You take things too literally)** If you're emotionally hurt over this, its your fault not mine. I'm sorry if it did, but I have placed several warnings describing the content of this story and if you know what it contains and you do not like this type of material, then why are you reading it? **(Morbid curiosity)** I do not appreciate getting accused for other people's actions. It is your choice as I also feel like a schoolteacher teaching a bunch of little kids. And I find that this really wasn't necessary and shouldn't have had to come to this, but it is very hard when your reviewers have forgotten how to conduct themselves like adults. **(Well I applaud you for how aware you are of this being a lecture, but you lose points for still going on with it!)**

If you honestly think that being malicious is a good thing and that you're not wrong in doing so, **(YouTube commenters in a nutshell ladies and gentlemen)** well then your blinded by your own selfish pride. People with common sense learn how to take responsibility for themselves and are able to admit when their wrong. **(*returns to Pokemon game*)** I have found that many of the reviewers that have left me malicious reviews honestly believe that its appropriate behavior for an adult. When it really is that they are too self-absorbed in themselves to admit their wrong. Again that results from selfish pride. **(*playing DS game* Just a few more levels Paras and you'll evolve!)** One to scared to admit in front of others that they just might be wrong. Also, how can any of you hold any right to call Jenna conceited when in reality, your contradicting yourself by being conceited as well? **(So constructive criticism equals conceit?)** Being conceited is again selfish pride and being self-absorbed. And yes, it is and always will be a fact that most of the reviewers have been conceited and very contradictive. **(*still playing DS game* Oh nuts a Raticate...)** Please DO NOT leave me a review that only contradicts what you are trying to preach. You should in reality, take your own advice. **(*looks up*...Huh?)**

Again I find it very ridiculous that this had to be as long as it is, but it is due to the fact that people not conducting themselves appropriately. **(There are far more concise and classy ways to have done so. And why are you so shocked by this?)** Also if I do receive any more malicious reviews, with screaming, spitting nails or ranting and raving over this story because you do not like it then are to self-absorbed to admit that acting like that is wrong, well then you have proven my point! **(That it is YOU who is the self-absorbed one for not taking criticism well!)** All of this is very self-explanatory! Now PLEASE DO NOT READ ON if you DO NOT plan on leaving me a review appropriately! **(*scrolls down a little farther* It's over? It's over! Hallelujah!)**


	2. Prologues Never Die!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Originally posted on October 31, 2015**
> 
> **So y'all have decided to stick around for another round eh? Well for those of you just joining the crazy train to Fanfiction Hell, our author took the time to give us an all caps abusing rant on how people should be mature and not flame her story. She also spoiled the fact that her OC/Hellspawn has a couple of kids with Link, but given that this is the _My Immortal_ of the _Legend of Zelda_ universe is it really a spoiler? Make sure you grab some ibuprofen and some brain bleach and let's get on with the actual prologue.**
> 
> **I do not own _My Inner Life_ (not that I would want to in the first place) nor the _Legend of Zelda_ franchise.**

Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feel very real. **(And then there's this)** A dream may come to us from happy events, or even stem from bad events in our lives. Some come to us as a pleasure dream and some come as nightmares. **(Much like this particular one)** Some become vague memories after time, while some stay very rich in our minds. **(Lord knows that this one's stuck around hapless readers' memories all right...)** This is a story about a dream that I had. A dream that became more dreams. A dream that would end one night then resumes the next. **(Like the world's shittiest version of _Arabian Nights_ )** It became like a second life. Ever since I became a Zelda fan, I grew an interest in Link. I thought of him as the perfect man. **(He's a fictional character who doesn't speak!** One that you could not find of this world. **(Because he's not real)** I thought of him as a man that should have been. **(One who's mute and breaks your pottery for essentially pocket change?)** The more that he attracted my attention the more I became more attached to him. **(More. More! MORE!)** I felt like there was a connection between him and me. **(Albeit a one-sided connection)** Then he became a part of me, and after that I fell deeply in love with him. **(Like all good Mary-Sues do!)**

I know that may sound queer to you but love is a mysterious thing and should not be taken lightly. **("At least according to all those dollar store romance novels I've read!")** Love is a very strong emotion, an emotion that should be treasured. Love comes from the heart, but when it takes hold, it's got you. I quite don't understand it myself, **(So I see...)** but I do know that when I first laid my eyes upon Link I fell in love with him. **(Anna did that in _Frozen_ and look what happened)** My heart just told me it was right. Told me he was the one, the one I had been searching for. **(And how many partners have you determined were not 'the one'? ...I'm waiting)** Ever since then I have felt that it was destiny that has brought me to him. Even in my mind it feels the same. I don't consider myself any different from anyone else. **(Well to be fair, we've all had our crushes on fictional characters...)** Though I have love for someone that is not really there, he will always remain very real to me inside my heart and in my mind. Even to this day I still love him. **( _And I~I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOUUUUUU~_ )** He has kept me very happy. He has made me happy when I was sad He has made me feel stronger about myself. **( _Please don't take my sunshine away~_ )** He has even taken care of me in ways that no one else can. **(O_O)** Even though I have feelings for him, I'm not any different from the rest of you. **(...I've got nothing)** I will always hold him close to me in my heart. **( _You'll be in my heart~ No matter what they say~_ )** He is still on my mind and I still have dreams. The connection still remains strong, and the dreams very real. **(These first paragraphs sound like the supposedly profound setup to a mediocre romance novel)**

I lived an entire life with Link in Hyrule. All stemming from a series of dreams. Dreams that I want to have **(You're already having them)** Dreams that I make happen. From the first day I met him, to the birth of our first child, **(SPOILER ALERT)** to even the days when Link and I prepared our family in the event that Gannon should return. This book is based on my inner life. **(Ladies and gentlemen, we have our title! *plays _The Price is Right_ music*)** A second life lived in a far away land in another time line in another dimension. A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. **(And cliches out the wazoo)** I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE. **( _Love never dies~ Love never falters~ Once it has spoken~ Love is yours~_ )**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **So much cliched writing here... But at least this took up only two pages on Word this time around! I imagine though that we won't have the luxury in the coming chapters... The next one took up 10 pages with my comments. TEN. PAGES.**
> 
> **Stay tuned for the beginning of the end!**


	3. The Beginning (of the end) Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Originally posted November 27, 2015**
> 
> **When we last left off, our narrator finally began her story with cliches that make the worst romance novels seem like Charlotte Bronte. So now that we've got things in high gear, let's gather our brain bleach and keep on chugging.**
> 
>  
> 
> **I don't own _My Inner Life_ (not that I would want to) or the _Legend of Zelda_ franchise.**

I will never forget the day, the day I met Link. It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1). **(Why the footnote? You couldn't just explain it a little later in your story?)** I have been a traveling merchant since I was fourteen. This is my sixth year returning to Hyrule. The last two years I was not able to return when Princess Zelda sent word of an evil presence in Hyrule. Then all contact was lost. For almost two years I tried to contact Princess Zelda. Desperately I kept trying to find out if she was ok. **(No need to worry. She was just disguised as a guy that's all.)** I was never too long without contact with my good friend. **(Wait what?)** Then I was considering going to investigate, when one-day word came in that peace had been restored to Hyrule do to the legendary "Hero of Time." **(How nice of the plot to excuse our narrator from doing anything interesting)**

After some catching up time with my old friend I came to find out what really happened. **(I guess the town criers were all turned into Redeads then?)** Seems that a Gerudo named Gannondorf, an evil man from Gerduo Valley, desired the legendary Triforce. Though the Triforce was only told in fairy tales to the children where I came from, **(Didn't you say that this was a series of dreams?)** I was amazed to find out it really existed. She told me how she played with things she knew nothing about. **(Like penises?)** And about how Gannondorf tricked the soon to be "Hero of Time" into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm. I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger than me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Sacred Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world. **(Where did you live when all this happened?)**

After the "Hero of Time" defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present **(he went back to the past in the actual game!)** Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years. **(Right off the bat? I'd imagine that'd be pretty weird to see)** It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world. But now that peace was restored life resumed in Hyrule.... **(At least until Ganondorf regains his power that is)** As I made my way down the desert trail that led to Hyrule I begun to think about whom the "Legendary Hero of Time" was. I was very interested in meeting this man. **(You know it could be a dog who saved Hyrule)** Princess Zelda never told me his name, but I was going to make it a point this time to finally meet Hyrule's Hero. **(And bone him)** As I turned off the dirt trail and onto Hyrule field, Hyrule Castle appeared in the distance. Dust and dirt kicked up behind the wheels of my wagon as it creaked along. Then as I came closer to the gates of Hyrule castle, **these friendly dead-looking guys greeted me- HOLY BALLS THEY'RE REDEADS!** A familiar face appeared to greet me. I pulled back on the reins to make the horses come to a complete stop at the front gate, and I realized that the person greeting me was my good friend Princess Zelda. **(In the immortal words of M. Bison "OF COURSE!")**

I have been a good friend of the Royal Family ever since my first arrival in Hyrule six years ago for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival. Ever since the first day I met the Princess I have been one of her closest friends. **("Mind control may or may not have been involved")** I was even considered part of the Royal Family. **(You may be one of their go-to merchants, but it's impossible to have the same authority as a princess!)** After I climbed down from my perch on the wagon, I ran over to Zelda and hugged her. "Hello Princess Zelda my good friend, yes it is good to see you. How have you been?" Looking at her I could tell she was happy to see me. (Because she recently had a lobotomy at our author's hands you see)

"Oh it is so good to see you again my friend! Come, come, father is waiting to see you!" **("He's been waiting near the Hanging Tree for hours!")** Leaving my wagon to be tended to by the stable hands I followed Zelda through the market place and to the gates that lead to the castle. **(How can you trust the locals to not loot your wares?)**

Saluting to Princess Zelda and me was a guard named Perrino. I met him a few years back, during one of my first visits to Hyrule. He was one of the guards that befriended me the first time I arrived. He smiled a friendly smile as we passed by. **(Because he was also lobotomized by our author too!)**

"Its nice to see you again Mistress Jenna." He said as he waved. **(Well nice to see his circuitry is flawlessly running!)**

As I smiled back I thought to myself how good it was to be back again **(Pooping all over continuity).** We went through the front gate and made our way towards the palace garden. Upon approaching the gates leading to the garden another familiar face appeared to greet me. **(Satan?)** As we walked closer I realized that the face was of Zelda's caretaker Impa of the Sheikahs. **(Who's supposed to be in the Sacred Realm as the Shadow Sage!)** As I walked over to Impa she turned to fully face me and a small smile crossed her face. **(The poison-tipped dagger she ordered is ready to work its magic!)**

"Its good to see you again my friend. How has life been treating you?" Impa asked and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had to chase some thief's off on the first night that I was on my way here. Though after some facing time off I was able to chase them away with my bow." **(Because it's not like anyone's interested in reading about an exciting action scene, right?)**

Then I made a big grin as I remembered the looks on the thief's faces when I rained arrows on them. **(I wouldn't be surprised if they all hit their targets with fatal accuracy...)**

"Well it seems that with the abilities you possess you should have no problem keeping your possessions safe." **(Too bad a couple of the townsfolk already made off with a couple bolts of Chinese silk by now!)** With another smile Impa gestured for us to go into the garden.

That is where I met him. The man that took my heart. As we walked into the garden I saw a young man in green with his back facing us polishing a rather odd sword. **(*gasps* Tingle! Have some dignity!)** As I watched him I had begun to notice something about the sword. **("It was really long")** It had a rather odd shape on the hilt. **(This is getting weird...)** The hilt was blue with the top of the hilt looking like a fishes tail. The sword looked rather strangely familiar. **("In fact I may've seen it already in the darkest corners of Deviantart")** I leaned over to Princess Zelda and asked her who the young man was.

"That is the Legendary "Hero of Time," his name is Link." Zelda replied.

My eyes grew as big as saucers as I turned to look back at him. "You mean he is the "Hero of Time" you told me about? The one who saved Hyrule? **(The one who you'll be humping like a bunny whenever you want?)** Then that must be the Legendary Master Sword he is holding?" **(No it's his strange penis...)**

Zelda nodded yes. Just then Link turned to look at us. **( _I'm bringing sexy back~_ )** And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. **( _Them other boys don't know how to act~_ )** He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. **( _I think it's special, what's behind your back~_ )** At that very moment I fell in love. **( _So turn around and I'll pick up the slack~_ Okay that fit a little too well...)**

His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water. **( _Dirty babe~_ )** His lips firm. **( _You see these shackles, baby~_ )** His ears long and sexy. **( _I'm your slave~_ )** Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle. **( _I'll let you whip me if I misbehave~_ )** And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away. **( _It's just that no one makes me feel this way~_ )** When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away. **( _Come here, girl_ ( _Go 'head, be gone with it_ ) _~_ )** He approached me and took my hand in his, gently kissed it and asked, "Who might this beautiful young lady be?" I turned my head back to face him, and as our eyes met again I blushed. "My name is Jenna, I'm a traveling merchant from the Great Le **(s)** bian Coast" "My village is there. "I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time." "And I come every year for Hyrule's annual Spring Festival." He looked into my eyes and smiled. Watching him smile made my heart pound in my chest. He again took my hand in his, kissed it again and spoke. "Nice to meet you Mistress Jenna." "You are as beautiful as a winter rose." **(Dead and wilted?)** He said as he stared at me with his enchanted blue eyes. "Th-Thank you." I stammered as I blushed again.

"What are you doing tonight?" He asked with a soft smile. " Stunned, not believing my ears I turned and looked directly into his eyes again. "Nothing really." "I was just going to retire to my wagon and cook supper before settling in front of a fire to read a book." **(Do you even know how expensive books were in medieval times? Royalty were the only ones who could afford them! Oh wait, I'm talking to a Mary Sue. She can totally afford it!)** With a glint in his eyes he asked, "Why don't you join me tonight in Kokiri Village for the annual Spring Night celebration?" (2) "It is a celebration feast that happens the night before the Spring Festival." Without hesitation I took him up on his offer. "I would love to go." I said with a soft smile. "I will pick you up this evening." Link said with a grin. Just then a deep voice rumbled through the garden. **(Oh God it is Satan! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!)** "Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?" A grandfatherly face appeared before me. With a smile I curtseyed before the King. "King Zelda, my old friend how have I missed you!" **(Is Ganondorf also a good friend of yours?)** "I have been just fine. " "It is really nice to see you again." I said with excitement in my voice. As always the King thought of me as a daughter and always looked forward to the day when I would arrive in Hyrule for the annual Spring Festival. He always liked to see what new merchandise I have picked up thought my travels since the last time I was there. **("The King is always bored. I mean it's not like there are any things he has to do to rule his kingdom, right?")** And most of the time he would buy something from me. **("He would always buy the blow-up dolls for some reason though...")** But he always liked it when I would show up since I would bring lots of fun and happiness. **(So you're the court jester?)** As I looked at the King I realized I was some what at home. **("Once I murder the royal family, everything will be MINE! Then I will truly be at home! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!")**

As he started to approach me I ran up to the King and gave him a hug. How I missed him. **("And then the guards stabbed me because they thought I was attacking the King")** Ever since my parents died when I was very young, I never let anyone get very close to me. **(*plays world's smallest violin*)** But the King was different. He opened up to me, took me into his family and became like a father to me. He gave me a home to come to every year. When I was in Hyrule, I felt at home. **(*violin strings break into millions of strands* Dammit.)**

"Jenna my sweet daughter, what have ye acquired through thy travels this past year?" I smiled at the King even though I had no idea how to tell him I didn't get him the newest dildos. "You must see some of the new cloth I picked up in the city of Skyile." "The great city of light." I smiled, as the King's eyes grew big. "Jenna my daughter, you must show me what you've acquired." Then he took my hand and began to lead me out of the garden. **(I hope he's taking you to the hangman's noose)** With one last look back at Link, I smiled at him. "See you tonight." I said before I left. After spending some time with the King, he brought some of my new cloth then let me settle in for the night.

I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath. **(Does she have an RV for a wagon?)** I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready. **(I think it would take longer for that to happen in medieval times)** As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles. I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift. Link was the only thing on my mind. "He is sooo handsome." I thought to myself. "That is the heroic man who became the "Legendary Hero of Time" and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness." Though something tugged at the back of my mind. **(That you only talked for a couple seconds and that you still don't know everything about him?)** I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day. **(Oh God help me)** And Link would be a good choice since he was my age **(at least physically. He's probably got the mentality of a ten year old still...)** , strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children. **(You just met him and now you want to birth his kids?!?)** Yes indeed Link would make a good husband. Then I took the soap and washed up. After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off. **(Riveting)** I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening's occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut dress with lace that held the v together. **(That would make someone think you're a hooker in this time!)** Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger. **(How could you afford that jewelry on a cloth merchant's budget in those times? Maybe the King gave them as payment for his sex toys...)** Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at my door. **(I hope it's a hitman)**

"Come!" I yelled. **(*giggles*)** Appearing in the doorway was the man I had set my eyes on. His eyes grew big, as he looked me over. "You look beautiful tonight." Link said as he took my hand and kissed it. Then he led me out the door. There were two horses in front saddled for riding. One was a rust colored mare with a white main and tail with a black mussel. **(Epona! How could you be roped into this mess?!?)** The other was one of my brown mares with a black main and tail. The one he had gotten was the one with the white star on her forehead. The one whom I named "Star Dancer." **(Sounds more like the name for a My Little Pony to me)** He led me to my mare and helped me into the saddle. Then he mounted the other horse. **(That's what she said!)** Looking back at me his eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight. "Follow me, I will lead the way." Then he booted the horse in the legs **(How? And besides a flick of the reins would've worked just fine)** and took off at a slow gallop. I then followed. We rode to the south side of Hyrule field and came upon a long dark tunnel. "This way!" Link called. "Through here!" I watched as Link disappeared into the tunnel. Then I followed. **(But for all you know that tunnel could've led to the hall of guillotines in the Shadow Temple!)** At the other end we crossed a bridge and then into what seemed to be a village **of the damned**.

Little people wearing green clothes that looked like kids **(they were wearing children?!?)** started to surround us when we stopped. "This is Kokiri Village." "The place where I was raised." Link said as he dismounted. After I dismounted one of the kid like Kokiri took our horses to tend to them. **(You sure they would know how to take care of horses? I don't think they're exactly native to this part of Hyrule)** As I walked around the village the child like people began watching me. They all seemed very curious to who I was. **(Well I doubt adults of other races visit them all the time)** As I looked around at them I noticed that they had something floating around them. As I took a closer look I noticed that they looked like fairies from the fairy tales told to us in our village as kids. **(Again, you live in Hyrule. You should already know that Kokiris have their own personal fairy!)** "Were these really fairies from the stories I heard as a child?" I thought to myself. **(YES! THEY! ARE!)** Just then one of the Kokiri, a young girl approached me. "My name is Saria, what's yours?" **(Why aren't you in the Sacred Realm too?!?)** The young girl asked. "My name is Jenna, it's a pleasure to meet you." I replied. "Are you the one that came with my friend Link for our Spring Night Festival?" **(So this festival is a one night occasion now? I'm confused)** Saria's eyes seemed to glow at that moment. "Yes he invited me." I said as a smile crossed the Kokiri girl's face.

I could tell that she knew I had my eyes set on Link, though she remained silent about it. **(Well being a Sage, she kinda has to put those feelings aside)** There were male Kokiri as well. One in particular was one named Mido. **(He was a douchebag)** He was the leader of the Kokiri and a dear friend of Saria and Link. **(Hey, someone Jenna isn't friends with! Yet)** He had a sense of humor but he yet remained stern and headstrong for he was their leader and was responsible for their lives. **(Hence the reason why many have died in the past two years!)** It was time for the feast, Saria gestured for me to join them at the feast table. She led me to the seat next to Link. As I sat down next to him she smiled and winked at me. "Did she plan this?" I asked myself, and then smiled. **("Good. The mind-controlling spell worked.")** After a moment I looked over all of the food. There was a great abundance of food to eat. There was cooked pork in a rich chestnut cream sauce, beef stew, cooked turkey, all different kinds of cheeses, bread and butter, cooked vegetables and even many different kinds of fruit. My mouth began to water as I combed over the food. **(Come on! Anyone could make those dishes. And the meat must've been really hard to come by considering what time period the game is set in)** After I served myself, I began to eat. As I was eating I could not help but notice that Link was watching me out of the corner of his eye.

I could feel his stare. Though it was pleasant. **(He's probably fantasizing about you eating something else...)** Then our eyes met and a smile crossed his face. As I stared into his eyes they seemed to glow under the light of the moon. He even looked more handsome in the moonlight. And I told myself that I would be crazy to pass up a man like this. **(Believe me, you're already crazy without him!)** After everyone finished eating, all of the Kokiri got up and started to dance. **( _OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!~_...sorry)** Some of the Kokiri even played instruments. **(No Mido, mayonnaise is not an instrument. Horseradish is not an instrument either)** As the music drifted in the air Link took my hand in his. "Would you care to dance?" I looked at him and smiled. "Yes, I'd love to." He led me to where everyone else was and we started to dance **the dougie**. We danced and drank long into the night. **(Please don't tell me it involved grinding on each other...)** And to show my appreciation I even did a solo dance **(did it involve a stripper pole by any chance?)** Then after I did my dance I went to sit down and rest. I was tired. Link came and sat down beside me. "You look real tired." "Are you ready to retire." Link said as he put his hand on my shoulder. I nodded yes and tried to get up and walk. But I was so tired and had too much to drink that I stumbled. **("The rupees the Kokiri threw at me during my dance didn't exactly help my feet either.")** Catching me in his arms, Link led me back to where I was sitting. "I think it would be wise if you stay here tonight." "I have plenty of room and I can escort you back to the castle in the morning." Link looked at me with a worried look and I decided to stay. And that is how we spent every night together, even up to the night when I finally shared his bed. **(*sighs*)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I'm going to stop here since this is a long chapter and I don't want to traumatize you further! Make sure you keep the brain bleach on standby for the next chapter. You're going to need it!**


	4. The Beginning (of the end) Part 2 (Hot Link on Mary Sue Action)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(Originally posted December 11, 2015)**
> 
> **Well our story proper began in the last chapter (finally) and we've learned that Jenna is a cloth merchant who's friends with the Royal Family, falls for Link after only a couple sentences, and parties with the Kokiri all night. Like you do.**
> 
> **Please make sure your booze, brain bleach and/or ibuprofen are on standby. Things are about to get kinky... If only that was a good thing to look forward to.**
> 
> **I do not own "My Inner Life" (not that I would want to in the first place) nor the _Legend of Zelda_ franchise. Same goes to any songs I reference.**

I started to know within side myself that Link was the one I wanted to be with. **(Because sharing a mere few words means true love!)** Even more so on the night when I shared myself with him...... **(Brace yourselves everyone)**

It was a warm spring night and night had just arrived. **(No shit Sherlock)** Link and I were sharing the quiet sounds of the night together. I had been seeing Link for a little more then a month. **("Just take my word for it. I didn't want to describe all the other stuff we did together.")** The Spring Festival had come and gone **(Why did you build it up as some grand thing and then discard it?)** and the warm weather was finally returning. All signs of winter were almost gone and my time in Hyrule was about to end for this year. In two weeks I would be leaving for the city of Tar Vera. Knowing this made me sad to go since I did not want to leave Link. **(Boohoo)**

I had finally found someone that I truly loved and I would have to leave him behind when it was time to leave. **(You could always bring him along as a bodyguard. It's not like he's being paid in the first place...)** Even Link was not happy after I told him that I would be leaving soon. When I told him his face went from happy to a depressed one. He wanted to be with me and he wanted me to stay in Hyrule with him. But I was going to spend every last minute I had left with him enjoying it. **(I thought you two lovebirds were doing just that)** We had remained quiet for quite some time, then it was Link who broke the silence. "Jenna.......it has been a wonderful almost two months with you......" I watched him as he stuttered to find his words. "Even as short as it was, I really enjoyed the time I've spend with you." "I wish you did not have to leave." "I do not think I will ever find another quite like you." Link said as a look of sadness appeared in his eyes. **(Says the guy who fought Eldritch abominations and an evil sorcerer to save the kingdom!)** At that moment I was on the verge of tears. I was in love with him. **(You've been in love with him since you saw his backside a couple months ago!)** I leaned over and softly placed my lips on his and kissed him tenderly. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me he loved me. With those words I began to cry. **(This entire story has been making me cry!)** I had never felt this way before. Like the way he makes me feel when I'm with him. **(This relationship doesn't have to be the only one you have! You're young! You have plenty of time to see other people! ...She's not listening to me is she?)**

He gently took his hand and wiped away my tears. Then he put his hand underneath my chin and slowly lifted my head up until our eyes met. **(And with a quick snap, he broke her neck!)** With his hand, he drew my face close to his, gently placed his lips on mine and kissed me softly. **(Why couldn't he just kill her softly instead?)** At that moment I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. As our tongues met I started to feel his hands caressing my body. As he gently caressed my body, I let out small moans into his mouth. Then he moved his lips to my neck, placing sweet nibbles on it as his hands trickled up my back to the clasp of my dress. Little by little he slowly started to remove my dress and I felt my body quivering under the gentle caressing of his broad hands as he pulled the dress down off my legs and tossed it aside. **(Don't forget the chemise, the corset, and panties!)** Slowly he moved back to my lips **(he used his mouth to take off her dress?)** and kissed me forcefully, his tongue begun probing my mouth. **(Ick)** My tongue slowly met his, causing it to intertwine with his, tasting the sweetness of him. Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his dark blue eyes as I reached up to remove the belt from around his waist. **(Is he that tall or did you mistake his chest for his mouth?)**

Slowly I pulled off his belt letting it fall to the ground, then I slipped my hands under his tunic and swiftly removed it as his lips went to my breasts. **(That's physically impossible, unless Link is Mr. Fantastic and can stretch and bend his body. Which he probably is here)** As his lips and tongue teased the nipples of my breasts **(as opposed to the nipples on your head?)** I felt new feelings swarm threw my body. My back arched and groans of pure pleasure escaped past my lips. **(I thought groans indicated pain. Is Link hurting her?)** Never had I felt such feelings before. Never had my body ever felt such pleasure. **("Never had my body experienced sex in the first place so that this scene would be more accurate.")** Then Link slowly moved his lips down my body till he reached my navel. When he kissed it a giggle passed my lips. Then he looked up **(Probably wondering if you're about to pie him)** and we looked into each other's eyes as I reached up to his chest and placed my hands on the lace that held the collar together of his white under shirt. His body started quivering as my hands worked across his chest while I removed his white undergarments. Then I yanked it off, exposing his beautiful heavenly naked body. A body of pure heaven. **( _Ooh heaven is a place on Earth~_ I'm sorry)**

Our lips met again as he gently pushed me down onto his bed, climbing on top of me. I begun to feel his heart beating in his chest as his lips moved back to the nipples on my breasts. **(How would you feel that if he's going to second base with you right now?)** Soft moans of pleasure passed my lips as he nibbled gently on my nipples causing them to become erect. As he teased my nipples with his lips and tongue, I felt his handwork its way down my body. First to my thighs, then between my legs. He gently brushed his hand across the lips of my mound and I groaned to tell him to continue. Slowly his fingers probed around the inside of my flower, sending strange new pleasurable feelings cursing threw my body. **(I think people who are reading this right now are cursing as we speak)** I moaned louder as his fingers caressed the inside of my mound, moving in a slow up and down motion. **(Why am I picturing Link playing a guitar?)** Then his fingers brushed against my clit, and I screamed out as a pulse of pure ecstasy raced threw me. I grabbed his hand and pulled it closer, telling him that I wanted more. Taking the hint, he teased me, as his hand brushed across my clit every few strokes. My body shuddered under his touch as my soft moans turned into cries of pleasure and pure ecstasy. As Link's fingers teased and caressed my mound, his fingers moved down until they brushed over the entrance. **(To where? Dodongo's Cavern?)** Slowly Link inserted a finger, slipping it into the wetness probing me inside, causing animal like cries to pass my lips. **(I thought he was already "probing" you...)** Then I arced my back and screamed in pure ecstasy as he begun to thrust his broad fingers deep inside my hot wetness. New feelings flooded threw my body, rushing to my head like a sugar high, as his fingers pushed their way in and out of my sleek beautiful body. With each thrust, my legs shuddered sending momentary shocks to my lower organs. **(There has got to be a sexier synonym for "lower organs" she could've used...)** Then I arced my back, my body screaming in ecstasy **(same with "ecstasy")** as his movements became faster. I reached up and dug my nails into his muscular back as the eternal bliss raced through my every vein.

I began feeling jolts of pure hot passion surging through my lower organs, through my bones as I felt myself starting to climax. **(How would you know how that would feel? Wait I don't want to know... *shakes head*)** My back arced again and I grunted in cat like sounds as he begun to thrust his fingers deeper, upping the movement. My hands felt his back become sweaty as I dug my nails in deeper. Then my slender body twisted as I came to full climax, and I screamed in ecstasy as my warm juices gushed down his hand. **(O_O You should probably see a doctor about that...)** Falling back panting, I looked into his eternal blue eyes. " I want to make love to you." I whispered to him as he ate my body with his hungry stare. "I've wanted to make love to you from the first day I met you." Link said as his hungry lips returned to my beautiful neck. **( _I wanna fuck you like an animal~_ )**

Then I bucked my head back and cat like sounds escaped passed my lips as he pressed his hot body down against mine. As I ran my nails down his sweaty back and I felt our hearts starting to beat faster as our bodies became hungry for each other. **(His heart's probably racing because you're going to scratch off some of his skin)**

Suddenly strange new feelings begun to surge through me as our passions ignited. Then as he penetrated deep inside my sweaty body **(...That's it? Nothing flowery?)** the feeling rushed through me like a raging river, the feeling of........ feeling like a women. **(*facedesk* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)** Never had I felt this way before. I felt my body beginning to surge with strange new feelings as I let my virginity slip away. **(That doesn't exactly sound right...)** As we made love I whispered in his ear that he made me feel like a women and to my surprise he said I made him feel like a man. **(Don't you mean you made him feel like a men?)** We made love long into the night. **(He sure has some stamina for a virgin. Guess all that trekking around Hyrule helped out...)** For filing each other's hot desires and fantasies. **("Oh Jenna~ I'd love to see you dressed up like a Teletubby~" "Mmm Link~ Shove this corncob up my ass~")** And I thought to myself that this was one thing I did not want to miss. I wanted to drink in every part of him. **(O_O ...no comment)** And after it was over I could not wait to feel him again. **(Believe me readers. We're going to witness feeling him again in the near future)**

The next few days were depressing. Us knowing that I was leaving in less then two weeks made us depressed. **(Really? It's making me happy!)** The nights were spend mostly quiet except for the occasional sigh. **(I kinda thought you'd be boning each other's brains out...)** I was beginning to think I'd never be this happy again. **(Bring him with you! He can provide extra muscle for bandits and you can spend time together on the road! How many times do I have to suggest this?!?)** Link made me feel special. He made me feel like a women. And he was my first. "Do I really have to leave?" **(Yes! Leave and never return!)** I asked myself. But then I remembered that the places I travel to every year were counting on me so I had to go. Love or not. **(Finally a shred of character development! But it's probably going to be tossed away very soon...)**

It was the day before I was leaving. I was at the market place for the last time for this year. I was at my stand selling what I had left **(of the fabric that the villagers probably stole in the last part?)** when I saw Link enter the market and headed for where I was. As I watched him I wondered if this was going to be the last time I was ever going to see him. **(Well judging by how much story is left...)** I began to cry when he approached me. Taking his hand he gently wiped away my tears and told me not to cry. He looked deeply into my brown eyes and told me he had something to tell me. **(I hope it's "I'm pregnant." Or better yet, "Fuck you, I'm leaving.")** Then he got down on one knee and produced a small gold box. **(Well fuck me)** He opened it to reveal a gold diamond ring inside. With a loud gasp I clopped **(AAAAAAAHHHH! I'm having MLP sex fic flashbacks! HELP! DX)** my hands over my mouth. Then he took my hand in his. "Will you marry me?" He asked with hope in his eyes as I started to cry again. 

"Oh my Goddesses...... yes, yes I will!" I said in between tears. **(Oh sweet Jesus help us all)** He took my left hand and placed the ring on my finger. Then he got up, we embraced and started to kiss. **(Did the townspeople start applauding? Wouldn't hurt to throw in another cliche!)** Now I knew I did not have to leave. Hyrule was meant to be my home. We were destined to be together. **(Knew it! Because who needs a career when you have a man to take care of you all the time?)**

Summer finally arrived and signs of spring were slowly fading. I was spending my days at Hyrule castle helping with the chores **(so now she's a servant?)** and making plans for my upcoming wedding. Link spent his days building a home in the Lost Woods for us to live in after we were married. **(So the Royal Family won't provide you a home? Link has to build one in the place where Kokiri are turned into Skull Kids?)**

Even my friendship with Princess Zelda and her father grew stronger when we told them about our engagement and that we were going to have children. **(I think they were wondering if Hell froze over when you said that)** Since Zelda was not bethrothed and had not yet wed, this was the closest thing to her being a mother and the King being a grandfather. **(Because fuck logic)** Now that we were to wed my life was almost complete. **(You sure you don't want the title of Princess or a fuck load of treasure or the Triforce itself to make your life complete?)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **So Jenna and Link will get a wedding to rival Prince William and Duchess Kate's in spectacle! Even if they're technically commoners and this sort of bonanza would drive their descendants into bankruptcy. Hopefully there will be plenty of wine for us to drink away the pain of it all...**


	5. The Wedding (of the Century)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(Originally posted February 25, 2016)**
> 
> **In our last chapter, Link and Jenna made poorly written love and became engaged, thus rendering Jenna's work as a merchant completely pointless. Because marriage. Great message for the girls, eh?**
> 
> **So now we will stand witness to the happy couple become man and wife. Ugh. I hope your brain bleach/alcohol/ibuprofen/whatever is within easy reach guys...**
> 
> **I do not own _My Inner Life_ (not that I would want to in the first place) or the _Legend of Zelda_ series. Same goes for any songs I reference.**

It was the day of our wedding and I had been nervous all day long. **(I hope it was because someone sent you death threats)** The time to walk down the isle drew near, and I felt a rush of nervousness run through me. But I was not going to let that stop my wedding day. **(Nuts. I had my fingers crossed that you would ditch Link at the altar...)** I was in the bridal chamber with Impa and Princess Zelda. As Impa and Princess Zelda worked on my hair **(as opposed to some servant girls?)** , I stared down at my dress, fingering **(O_o)** with the lacy design at my waist.

The dress was the most beautiful and the most expensive I had ever seen. The King had spared no expense when he had it made. **(Even though you're a mere merchant! I'm pretty sure your cleanest looking dress would've sufficed in those times!)** The top of the dress was a low "V" cut with lace that crisscrossed in front of my breasts to hold them up. **(Kinda sexy for those times, don't you think? And no I don't mean that in a good way!)** And a feathery lace design lined the edges. Inter woven in the lace was an intricate design of pearls and at the very center was a gold Triforce design. The lace design "V" at the waist and a different lace pattern started where the other left off. The other pattern was all of the Triforce design. **(All the Triforce are belong to you)** Smaller gold Triforce symbols **(Are all these Triforces really necessary?)** lined the bottom of the dress. The sleeves were a see through lace that ran from mid arm all the way down to my wrist and attached at my middle finger. My veil had a full pearl design at the front and small solid white Triforce designs lines the edges. **(I'm actually having a very hard time picturing all of this. And as an avid reader, that is not a very good thing)** After I was fully dressed all that was left to do was finish my hair.

Impa stopped working on my hair and let Zelda finish it. She walked over to a table and picked something up. **(Is it a gun?)** When she came back over she handed me a gold choker that had a Triforce charm with a Diamond dangling in the center. **(Poop. I hoped it was a gun...)** I looked up at Impa while I fingered it. **(Again with that word? Especially one chapter after you and Link did the horizontal mambo?)** It was very beautiful. I started to say something but Impa interrupted me. "It will look beautiful on you." She took it and the Sheika smiled as she fastened it around my neck. Then I smiled back at her. "Thank you Impa." "Its very beautiful." **("I am the emotion-o-tron. Thank you for the token of affection. Beep beep boop.")**

Just then Princess Zelda said she was done with my hair. I walked over to a mirror to take a look. The sides of my hair were done into a halo braid. The back of my hair was done up into four smaller braids that looped up and attached to the back of f the halo braid. **(Well at least I can picture that a little better than your dress)** A silvery lace ran from the front of my hair to the back of my head and then around the four smaller braids. As I touched my hair with my hand I turned to look at Princess Zelda and smiled at her. "Thank you soo much, I just love it." I cooed as she smiled back. **(Your valley girl is showing!)**

As princess Zelda **(wow, Zelda's title isn't capitalized. Guess she's starting to lose that to Jenna)** looked me over she said something was missing. After thinking for a bit, she turned and walked over to her vanity and opened up a small jewelry box. She picked up something out of it closed the jewelry box lid and walked back over to me. **(Phew! What a mouthf - Oh shit... *facepalms* I just pictured Jenna giving Link head)**

Taking my left hand she held up my hand and fastened a beautiful gold bracelet around my wrist. Looking at it I could tell it was real expensive. **(Well you are with royalty!)** The bracelet was of pure solid gold. At the center was a Triforce charm. **(*throws up hands* Of course)** Diamonds lined the edges of the bracelet and Rubies lined the inner part. At the center of the Triforce charm was an Emerald. **(I'm not sure the Royal Family would have that many precious stones in their jewelry!)**

I looked back up at Princess Zelda and she smiled a kind of a sad smile. "It was my mother's." "But I want you to have it." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice. **(I'd be sad too if I was written to GIVE AWAY FAMILY HEIRLOOMS TO AN ENTITLED PIG OF A MARY SUE!!!!! *eye twitch*)** A blank look crossed my face as I looked back down at the bracelet. "I....I cannot accept this." I said as I held my wrist back out at her. **(Finally some sense in this girl!)** Princess Zelda blinked in surprise. "Nonsense.... mother would have done the same thing if she were here." **(Your mother knows better than to show up in this fic, let alone give her jewelry to a strange merchant girl)** "Besides I want you to have it." "It looks beautiful on you." "Take it... ... .. and that's an order." **(What's next? Access to the Sacred Realm?)** Impa nodded in agreement **(probably so that she won't be executed if she disagreed with the Princess)** and I smiled back. "Thank you soo much!" I said as I hugged my friend. Satisfied with how I looked we got my bouquet and headed towards the courtyard. **(Sure you don't need to use the chamber pot? Grab a granola bar? Go to Hell?)**

The wedding was about to begin. There was a loud bustle as people tried to find their seats. Everyone in Hyrule had attended. Even all of the sages had to attend. **(I mean it's not like they had anything vital to do, right?)** The King would settle for no less. **(Well judging by the beheaded corpses bobbing in the moat over here...)** All of Hyrule was going to witness Link and I being wed. As the crowd begun to settle down the King came to my side. Since he was like a father to me, he was going to be the one who was giving me away to Link. **(I guess any relatives she has back home weren't good enough for this bitch)** I started to get nervous as the wedding music begun to play. **(Wait I thought I switched the sheet music so that the orchestra would play a funeral dirge! Crap, they must've noticed!)**

First the flower girl went out. As she spread the flower petals along the red carpet she looked like a little angel. I hoped that the day Link and I had children we would have a girl as pretty as her. **("Or I could just kidnap her...")** Then I watched as all my brides maids were walked out one by one with the ushers. **(No names for them? Well they are inferior to our bridezilla here...)** Next I saw Link being walked out with Princess Zelda. He looked soo handsome dressed in Prince clothes **(I think you mean gaudy and blinding)** as he walked down the isle. When he reached the alter and took his place it was my turn to walk. Taking the King's arm we begun to walk down the isle. As we walked my eyes darted around the room. The nervousness rushed over me. **(You can always run away...)** Then my eyes landed on Link. I could see his beautiful smile, but since I was nervous I was glad Link could not see my face from underneath my veil. **(How can you see him smiling if he can't see your face? Is your veil a one way mirror?)**

When we reached the alter, I took my place at Link's left. Zelda my Maid of Honor was to my left, and Daurina Link's Best Man was to his right. Before I fixed my eyes forward I looked at Link from the corner of my eye. Man how I loved him. **(More valley girl!)** Then the preacher begun to speak.

"We have gathered here today to witness this man and woman being joined in Holy Matrimony." **(yay...)** "This is a special time, a Holy time when a man and a woman come together and are joined under the witness of god." **(What happened to Din, Faore and Nayru? Were they forsaken when Hyrule turned to Christianity or something?)** "May your marriage bring long life and happiness." **(Even if you must violate the status quo to reach it)** "Do you Link take this woman to be your wife, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?" **(Please say no... there's still time to fix things)** "Yes I do." Link responded. **(Fish paste...)** 'And do you Jenna take this man to be your husband, to love, to hold, to cherish, in sickness and in health until death do you part?" "Yes... Yes I do." I said softly. " The rings please." The preacher gestured for the ring bearer **(who was probably abducted and drugged into doing this)** to bring over the rings. We were handed each other's rings and told to give each other our personal vows. Taking my left hand Link slid the ring on my finger. "With this ring I thee wed." Link said with passion. **(Lame! You're just going with one of the most generic lines uttered at a wedding? I kinda thought Link's Queen would've given him some serious purple prose to say)** Then I took his left hand and slid the ring on his finger. "With this ring I thee wed." I said as I looked deeply into his eyes. **(You're not going to say something extremely melodramatic either? Well at least that's a small mercy)**

We then looked back at the preacher and he finished the ceremony. "If there is anyone who thinks this man and woman should not be joined let them speak now or forever hold their peace." **(*whips out results of Mary Sue Litmus Test* Ahem...)** After a moment of silence, the preacher spoke again. **(But I haven't even started speaking! Hey! Guards get away from me!)** "By the power vested in me I now pronounce your husband and wife." "You may now kiss the bride." **(NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)** Gently Link lifted up my veil and for a moment we started deeply into each other's eyes. Then I closed my eyes, as he gently took me into his arms and gently pressed his lips on mine. **(Can he gently throttle you while he's at it?)** Then every one started clapping as we made our marriage final. **(Probably so that the King doesn't execute them for treason or something like that)** I felt a rush of happiness run through me. It felt warm, like the sun. **(If only you would go up in flames...)** As we kissed everything was silent, only the sound of our hearts beating together was heard. **(What happened to the people clapping? Did they just die?)** This was the happiest day of my life. **(And also the saddest day for Legend of Zelda fans and fans of good writing)**

Next I gestured for all of my Bride's Maids and my Maid of Honor to gather around behind me. **(So now they're meat shields for the assassins?)** Then I turned my back and threw the bouquet over my shoulder. Everyone reached to grab it, but it was Princess Zelda that caught it. I looked at her and a smile crossed her rosy face as I winked. She would be the next to wed. **("When Hell freezes over, that is")** Then I looked at Link, smiled at him and took his arm. He led me out towards the reception hall as everyone threw rose petals over us. **(I thought that was for when the couple is leaving for the honeymoon...)**

The reception hall was set quite beautifully. There were flower displays, white dove symbols interlocked with the Triforce lined the walls, **(Jenna you're already being sacrilegious with all the Triforces you're using!)** there were white candles lining the room and a huge wedding cake sat in the center. As everyone filled in to the room, Link and I went over to the cake and stood side by side behind it. The music began to play **( _Come and put your name on it_ ~ _Put your name on it_ ~)** as Link and I took the knife and cut the cake. We each took a piece and fed it to each other. **( _The bitch is hungry_ ~ _She needs to chill_ ~ _So give her inches and feed her well_ ~)** He missed my mouth and got some on my face.

Next thing I knew we had cake all over our faces. And I giggled as I smeared some on his nose. People laughed at the funny sight **("Thank you laughing gas...")** and I smiled at Link as we started whipping the cake off our faces. **(Oh no! _Fifty Shades of Grey_ flashbacks! DX)** There were two goblets sitting by the cake, and a bottle of Champagne next to them. Link popped the cork **(*ducks* Watch where that thing goes!)** and poured the Champagne into the goblets. He put the bottle down and we picked up the goblets, interlocked arms and drank from each other's cups. **(I already have several cavities and I didn't even touch the cake...)** Everyone clapped and then made a toast to our marriage. "May your life together bring happiness and new experiences!" **("Like herpes!")** Zelda said as she raised her goblet high. "Here, here!!" Some one else yelled. Then the music changed into a dance, **(TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!~)** and everyone crowded onto the ballroom floor. Link led me by the hand and the crowd formed a circle around us as we begun to dance together. As I danced with Link I felt like I was dancing on air. **("I guess all those drugs I had had something to do with it")** Felt light as a feather. I got into the music, my thoughts drifted and I begun to flow in unison with Link's body. He took the lead and I let myself go with the flow. As I looked into his beautiful dark blue eyes, there was passion flickering in them. **(Me thinks the champagne helped contribute to that)** His eyes made me melt in his arms, and as we danced together I felt at peace. When we were done dancing, it was time for our wedding son to be played. **(I hope it's "White Wedding")**

Link had found someone to sing our wedding song. A beautiful young redheaded girl named Malon from Lon Lon ranch was to sing for us. **(Oh fuck you Link! You're making a girl who's crushing on you perform at the wedding?!?)** She got up on the platform and started to sing "Your love floats on the wings of a dove" **(which doesn't exist. Also blaugh! That's too sickening!)** Malon's voice was very beautiful and as she sung the song it moved me. I moved closed to Link and laid my head on his shoulder. He took his arm and put it around me as Malon continued to sing. The song was so moving that tears of happiness begun to steam down my face. **(Don't count on that Best Original Song Oscar, dear)** I looked deeply into Links deep blue eyes and whispered to him that he was my everything. My world. I saw love in his eyes, in his facial expressions, **("I also felt it in his pants")** he brought my face closer to his and told me that I was his one true love, his first intimately, **(*cough*Bullshit*cough*)** and his world. His passion made me feel good inside, warmed my soul. I felt like the sky was limit. And when I was with him it felt like flying. **(Don't forget how he makes you feel like a women!)**

At the end it was time for Link and I to leave for our Honeymoon. As we walked out of the castle and to the awaiting rusty brown mare, the King and Zelda had one last gift to give. Zelda walked up to me and took my hand placed an Ocarina in it and closed my fingers around it. **(No...)** "I want you to have this as my gift to you both." **(No you didn't...)** I looked at it and Link's face grew a surprised look. "Are you sure?" Link looked at her squarely. "I know that these are the keys to the door of time, but I think that it would be safer with both of you." Zelda replied with a reassured look in her eyes. **(How can you trust Jenna with your heirloom jewelry, let alone the Ocarina of Time?)** I looked at Link and he knew I was confused. "This is what Ganondorf used in tricking me to open the door to the Sacred Realm." **(No he just walked in while you were sleeping for seven years)** Link said as he remembered that day, he never forgot it. I remembered what I was told, the stories of Gannondorf. But Link and I holding the keys might be safer. **(For all you know, it's going to fall out of a saddlebag on the way to your honeymoon)** "Thank you, we will take good care of it." I said as I hugged her and she smiled. Then the King hugged me, gave Link a pat on the back and a wink. **(DUDE!)** I knew what he meant by that. Then we went to the horse that was waiting for us.

Link carried me to the saddle. The horse was Epona. There was a "Just Married" sign tied to the saddle over Epona's behind. **(XD Really?!?)** Colored strings of yarn hung from the bag of the saddle and from the bottom of the sign. **(I don't think they're going to be very colorful after a while...)** Link lifted me up into the saddle then mounted in front of me. I threw my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready. Then he gently booted Epona in the ribs and we took of at a gallop. I could hear the King and Zelda saying goodbye **(and good riddance)** as we rode but soon their voices drifted into the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I actually did put Jenna through the Mary Sue Litmus Test and she scored a 72! Too bad Link has been brainwashed to not notice it! Maybe if I could get the Goddesses to flood Hyrule - no Jenna would probably poop all over _The Wind Waker_. Tits... -_-**


	6. The Honeymoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **(Originally published March 27, 2016)**
> 
> **In our last chapter, Link and Jenna became man and wife and took part in sappy generic wedding stuff. And now they'll take part in sappy generic honeymoon stuff. Whee...**
> 
> **I do not own My Inner Life (not that I would want to in the first place) or the Legend of Zelda universe. The same goes for any songs I reference.**

After a long ride we reached the Great Coast. The Summer Cabin the King had set up for us was along the ocean. **(Here's hoping a Category 5 hurricane is in the forecast to blow your love nest away...)** Link pulled back on the reins and Epona came to a full stop. He helped me down, dismounted himself **(I've heard of "Go fuck yourself" but "Go dismount yourself" is new)** and took Epona to the stable. After he returned he picked me up into his arms and carried me over the threshold and inside. **(So Jenna just stood there while Link took off Epona's tack and brushed her down?)** Once inside my eyes grew as big as saucers. The entire place was furnished. Candles were lit everywhere **(I'm surprised one of them didn't tip over and burn the whole place down)** and a table with a meal already prepared on it was set for two. Two candles were lit in the center. And I wondered who could have made the food. Then I remembered that one of the Sages left the reception early. **(Well at least I'm not the only one who thought it sucked!)** The Sage of Water, Ruto.

I looked around and saw a small letter on the table by the door. I opened it and it was from Ruto. The letter said: **("Surprise! You have anthrax poisoning!")** "Link was supposed to marry me, but I was blind to his happiness. As I watched him with you I saw how happy he had become. Now I realize what I had done was wrong. I could not hold Link to something he would not be happy with. I hope your life together brings you both the happiness and peace you both desire. When you two have your first born please come and see me." Signed-Ruto the Water Sage. **(Okay last I checked, you had to put your feelings aside when you became a Sage. Why are you saying - but you - *head explodes*)**

I closed the letter and held it close. A tear trickled down my cheek as I thought of what Ruto had done for us. **(Maybe she's worried that Ruto will turn their kid into a Redead)** Link came up behind me and threw his arms around me. "What is wrong my love?" "Are you feeling ok?" Link's skin seemed to glow under the candlelight and his eyes filled with love. I wiped my face and put the letter down. "I... I'm fine." "I'll be ok." I said as I softly placed my hand against his cheek and looked into his eyes. **("You find me very attractive...")** "I'm glad to be here with you." I said softly. "As am I" Link's smile widened and he took my hand and led me to the table.

I sat down and Link pushed in my chair before seating himself. As we ate we talked about future plans and having a family. **("And how much the food sucked")** But I could tell his mind was not on the food. **("It was on my mound.")** I took my foot and slowly, brushed it up against his leg. As I rubbed his leg with my foot he squirmed in his chair. Finally he got up and came around behind me. **(To finally strangle you I hope...)**

He lowered his head down by my neck and I could feel his hot breath against my cheek. I felt his lips move to my neck as he started to passionately kiss me there. As he nibbled on my neck I let out soft moans. After a few minuets **(thank the Goddesses you're finally done! I was starting to get sick of playing "Minuet of Forest"!)** Link took me by the hand, lifted me out of the chair and led me to a room where a tub was filled with hot water. **(I'm pretty sure it's room temperature by now)** He pressed his lips on mine and we kissed deeply, as he begun to remove my dress exposing my naked body. **(Undergarments be damned!)** As his hands started to caress my body, caress my breasts, I could feel myself getting hotter. I wanted him. Wanted to feel him. I wanted to touch him in ways that he had never been touched. **(He's probably been touched like that if you get my drift... *winks*)** Then I felt his heart beating faster, felt his hands moving up and down my slender body. As he nibbled on my nipples, I little by little slowly started to remove his clothes, exposing his heavenly naked body. I slowly reached up and placed my hands on his bear chest. **(Well now we know Link doesn't shave whatsoever...)** As I ran my finger tips down his chest, soft moans passed his lips. His body was so muscular, so firm, his skin silky to the touch. **(Wait I thought he was furry)** I ran my hands slowly down his body. First to his waist then to his thighs, around his butt, then to the swollen organ between his legs. **(He needs to see a doctor about that last part)** When I grazed my hand over the head, Link let out small cries of pleasure. Then I looked in to his eyes.

"Tonight my love, I'm going to show you how much I love you." **(Oh God help us...)** I went down and slowly took the head of his member into my mouth, teasing it with my tongue. **( _Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby_ ~ _Let me know_ ~)** As I teased the head soft moans passed Link's lips. **( _Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it_ ~ _And we start real slow_ ~)** Then slowly I moved to his shaft, caressing it with my tongue as I licked up and down it. **( _You just put your lips together_ ~ _And you come real close_ ~)** As I caressed his member with my lips and tongue, Link's soft moans soon turned into cries of pleasure. **( _Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby_ ~)** I felt his body quivering under my gentle hands, as his cries of ecstasy filled the room. **( _Slow it down baby take a little longer_ ~)** Then Link let out a loud animal like cry as I took his member fully into my mouth. **( _It's like everywhere I go_ ~ _My whistle ready to blow_ ~)** Slowly I moved up and down the shaft, dragging my tongue as I went. **( _Show my soprano, cause girl you can handle_ ~)** Little by little I upped the movement, causing Link to cry out in ecstasy as I caused waves of pure pleasure to go surging threw his body. **( _Talented with your lips, like you blew out candles_ ~)** Then I found a rhythm and his breathing became faster as I started to take him over the edge. **( _So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music_ ~)** His heart started racing, his cries filled the room. **( _Hope you ain't got no issue, you can do it_ ~)** And finally when I took his nut sack **(*record scratch* WHAT?!?)** and caressed it with my hand, it was his undoing. Link let out a loud animal like cry as he reached his peak, releasing his essence into my mouth.

I swallowed, licking up all of the sweet juices off his member. **(If you insist...)** As I licked my lips, he brought his face close to mine. Our lips met kissing each other passionately, the taste of him still on my lips. As he deepened the kiss, I let out soft moans into his mouth. Then we broke off the kiss and I looked into his eyes. "I'm ready for you now my love." **(You sure? You don't need some KY Napalm flavored lube?)** I said as I started to kiss his neck. Slowly I felt the heat between us grown stronger. I felt myself wanting him, felt my body calling out to feel him inside me. **(I'm feeling the need to destroy something right now)** His eyes shone desire in them, the passion burned in them. He led me by the hand then, pulled me into the tub as the desire between us raged. **(I don't think the bathtub is the best place to do it... God knows what the water's been through already!)**

I wanted him even more now; wanted to feel him inside me. He moved closer to me and I felt his throbbing member at my entrance. **(How did Link get it up again after being blown? That's pretty difficult to do for most guys.)** Then I begun to cry out in ecstasy as he slowly penetrated my enchanted body. **(Great you cursed him to become a beast. I hope you're happy now!)** Slowly at first, then I cried out in pure bliss as Link upped his movements. As we made hot love I felt his heart beating in unison with mine, felt the heat of his body against my body. Link felt soo good inside me. **(Third time your inner valley girl has come out!)** So warm. So tender. **(So lame)** Then he pushed me up against the side of the tub as he put his hands underneath my body lifting me up, allowing him to penetrate deeper. I wrapped my legs around his waist and groaned as I grabbed his back and dug my nails in feeling the sweat beginning to form. As I dragged my hands down his back, I cried in ecstasy as he begun to thrust deeper inside my now hot sweaty form. Our bodies quivered as our movements begun to flow in unison. And I felt his heart beginning to beat faster as I forced my body up against his. Loud animal-like sounds passed his lips as his thrusts came in faster beats. Then I bucked against Link as I cried for him to take me. "Ungh....Link. Oh... My Goddesses.....LINK!" **(I guess this is the result of her thinking "Gee how would someone sound when they're having an orgasm?" while she was writing all this...)** I cried as I ran my hands down his back; down over his buttock, dragging my nails as they went. I felt him starting to breath faster as he started to climax. And as the sheer ecstasy raced through our bodies I didn't want it to end. **(I do.)**

I wanted every part of him. I wanted to drink in his body. **(I think you did enough of that already...)** He felt soo good....so hot.....he was mine, mine forever. I had him.....had his body.....his heavenly body......Mmmm..... **(Were you actually having sex with him while you wrote this?)** Sexual thoughts raced through my mind **(I'm surprised you're even able to think at all, let alone during sex)** as we both came to a full climax.... "LINK!" I cried out in pure ecstasy as I gushed down his muscular legs. **(That's not how it works!)** "JENNA!" Link screamed as he reached his peak and released his very essence in side me. I let out a loud moan as I felt the warm liquid slide down inside my beautiful body. It felt sooo good.......I now had a part of him inside me. A part of his very essence. **(I don't think it will be there forever...)**

We both collapsed from exhaustion after Link delivered his second and final release. Breathing heavy, I looked deeply into his sexy blue eyes....eyes with passion in them. Then I leaned over and pressed my lips on his tasting the sweetness of them......so firm, so sweet.....Feeling a slight longing I moved my lips to his ear and whispered words of passion to him. **("You made me feel like a women...")** "Oh...my Goddesses.... Link." "I love...you so....much." I said in between gasps of breath before I slowly started to caress his long sexy pointed ear with my lips and tongue. **(Oh great she has an ear fetish too!)** "And....I love....you too....my sweet...love." Link said as he embraced me. As I nibbled on the lobe of his ear I could hear his soft moaning.........felt his hands moving down my body.....I felt the heat of his body.....felt his skin against mine......so hot.....so heavenly......his body......finally for once I felt complete.....felt like a women......I felt sexy, wanted. We laid there still connected and covered in sweat. I laid my head against his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. We were both exhausted and breathing heavy. Then as my breathing slow I felt my eyes beginning to drift. And as I felt my last ounce of strength leave my body, I fell asleep. **(I hope your head slips underwater and you drown)**

The next morning I awoke in bed lying on Link's chest while he stroked my hair. **(I guess that last thought was wishful thinking...)** We talked awhile before rising and getting dressed. **(I guess she saves her "best" writing for the sex)** After he got dressed he went down stairs to cook breakfast as I went to freshen up. I washed my face and hands then I went to the wardrobe closet to select a dress. I picked out a low cut long silk blue dress with a gold Hylian symbol on the lower part of the dress. **(Well at least it isn't a Triforce!)** I put on my wedding ring, the bracelet Zelda gave me, and fixed my hair then I went down stairs. Link greeted me at the bottom and his eyes widened as he looked me over. He took me into his arms and kissed me. "You look beautiful, my love." His eyes seemed to flicker with passion as he held me in his arms. He knew how to make me feel good. His words soft and gentle. He was the perfect man. **(Who needs mutual understanding and interests with your man when he's hot and well hung!)**

I walked over to the dinning table and glanced over all the food Link had prepared. **(Gee. He sounds like a great cook. I'm impressed that he was able to make all that food)** "I hope your hungry, my sweet." He said as I nodded yes. Link pulled out my chair, I sat down and he pushed my chair in before seating himself. While we ate we talked about the plans for the day. Since it was a beautiful day and the area nice, I thought going horseback riding would be the thing to do. But then I remembered one thing, that there was only one horse, Epona. A look of disappointment crossed my face, I had really wanted to go horseback riding. **(You both rode her on the way to your house by the sea! Why are you disappointed about this?)** Then Link had an idea. "Epona is strong enough to hold us both. "She carried us both here." **(Thank you!)** "You can just sit behind me and put your arms around my waist." Link said as smile widened and I felt better.

After breakfast, Link went to saddle Epona while I did the dishes. **(I hope you meant that you washed them...)** When I finished Link poked his head in the door and said he was ready. I removed my apron, put on my riding boots and followed Link out the door. Epona was in front saddled and ready to go. The rusty brown mare was truly beautiful horse. I walked up to her and patted her on the head. She gently put her mussel near my face to show no fear. As I looked at her, she was the most beautiful horse I had ever seen. **(Hey wait. Didn't you have another horse a couple parts ago? What happened to her?)**

Link took my hand and helped me into the saddle. Then he mounted in front of me. I put my arms around his waist as he checked to see if I was ready then booted Epona in the ribs and she took off at a gallop. We rode down to the ocean along the beach. Water kicked up behind Epona's legs as we rode along the waters edge. **(Sounds like she's describing the cover to a 90s romance novel)** The ocean air smelled sweet and the breeze was cool. I looked over Link's shoulder to see what lay ahead. The beach was vast and wide. Rocky cliffs lined the water further down. Small caves with water flowing into them lined a small island far in the distance. Then I turned and looked over the vast ocean and saw small islands lining the horizon. This was truly a beautiful place. So peaceful, so serene, it almost made me not want to leave. **(And then Cthulu rose up and dragged her to the watery depths of Hell!)**

Then we arrived at a small alcove and Link stopped Epona. He dismounted then helped me down. "This is a real beautiful spot let's just sit here awhile." Link said as his blue eyes shone in the sunlight. After we sat down in the sand, I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he put his arm around me. I watched as distant Seagulls flew over the ocean in search of food. **(MINE! MINE! MINE!)** The cool breeze blew threw my hair as the salt air tingled my senses. I felt at peace here. Here, there were no wolfos to chase off, no thieves, no duties no nothing. **(Don't forget the lack of Skulltulas! Seriously those things are creepy!)** But I knew that soon it would all be over and we would have to return to Hyrule. **(Please do! The lynch mob is getting impatient over here!)**

"Don't worry about that!" I thought to myself. "You're here with the man you love, your new husband." "Enjoy it with him." "Don't be a fool!" Then I got up and ran towards the ocean. Walking into the water I turned and giggled at Link. Then I gestured for him to follow. Leery he came to the ocean's edge **(he's questioning if you're going to drown him right then and there)** and then I splashed water on him. He looked at me sideways before he splashed water back at me. No sooner had that started, we were running around in the water splashing each other and laughing like little kids. We played all day. Just like we were kids again. **(How delightfully vapid)** I was having the best time of my life. **( _And I never felt this way before_ ~)** When it started to get dark, we went back up to the beach and sat down in the sand to watch the sun set. I cuddled into Link's arms and I laid my head against his chest as the sun's golden rays slowly started to set below the horizon. **(I wonder if Epona just ran off to throw up from how sickeningly sweet they were being)**

"My life with Link will be a happy and special one." He is all I need." "Soon we will have a family and my life will be truly complete." As I thought to myself my eyes slowly drifted. And as the sun's last rays disappeared over the horizon I closed my eyes........ **(Link this is the best chance for you to flee! God bless it, what do you see in her?!?)**

Back at the cottage I was bathing while Link prepared the evening meal. **(Well at least he's not there to fuel your fantasies)** After a bit Link came upstairs to check on me. "I came to see if you need any help bathing." He asked. **(I'm pretty sure she can do that just fine! For the next five decades at least)** As I looked into his eyes, I took my hand and slowly ran it from the top of my shoulder and down over my breasts. "I could use my back washed. " I said seductively. Taking the hint, Link took the washrag and begun to wash my back. **(Yes. Ignore whatever you're cooking and help your wife bathe. It's not like it'll overflow and catch fire! On second thought...)** After a minute he put the rag down in the water and begun to passionately kiss my neck. Moaning softly I turned my head to face him and gently pressed my lips on his kissing him deeply, our tongues meeting. As we kissed I could feel his hands moving down my naked body.

Gently he lifted me out of the tub and led me to the bed while we kissed. **(*checks dinner* Hey Link! Should I go ahead and take care of this for you?)** Softly he laid me down and climbed on top of me. I could feel his body quivering as he moved from my lips and down on my body. Then he spread my legs and went down. **(*shrugs* Well I guess he won't be eating this... *starts eating* Mmm beef stew!)** I felt his lips on my thigh, as he slowly kissed inward. Then when he reached the center, he pressed his mouth onto my flower. I felt as he slowly inserted his tongue between the lips causing me to cry out in pure bliss. Then he moved up until his tongue brushed against my clit. Working his teeth and tongue on my clit, shocks of pure ecstasy were sent cursing threw me causing my legs to shudder. Never had I felt such feelings, never had I experienced such pleasure. **(You've done this twice already! Why are you acting like it's your first time?)** As he teased my clit, I felt his tongue move down until it was at my entrance. Slowly he inserted his tongue and my back arced as I cried out in pure bliss. Then slowly Link upped his movements, sending momentary shocks threw my lower organs as me legs convulsed. As his tongue moved deeper inside me **(Does he also have the longest tongue in the world?)** I grabbed the back of his head as I begun to climax. Then when he hit the right spot I arced my back and screamed in ecstasy as I gushed into his mouth. **(Okay I know some women squirt during sex, but I don't think to that extent!)**

Painting from the intense experience I got up and looked into his eyes, and knew what he wanted. Slowly I removed his clothes and opened myself to him. I let him take control. Allowed him to fulfill himself. Long into the night there was nothing but hot passion. **(You guys seriously skipped dinner for that? By the way Link, thanks for the stew!)**

The last few days were either spend down at the beach or taking peaceful walks together. **(And I'm assuming fucking each others' brains out too)** I knew we only had a small amount of time left here but I spent every minuet enjoying it. And on the day we were returning to Hyrule I couldn't wait to get back. Upon our arrival at the castle the king and Princess Zelda were at the gates to greet us home. **(With torches and pitchforks. And Volvagia)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **...I don't know if I really want to say anything else about what just happened. Seriously, I've no clue.**

**Author's Note:**

> **Thus ends one of the longest, unnecessary, most patronizing author's notes to ever grace the fanfiction world. Counting my own notes and comments, it's six pages on Microsoft Word!**
> 
> **It all goes down from here folks, so gather your finest brain bleach or booze and hang on because things are going to get nuts!**


End file.
